Megalopolis

Thank you to my friends (35 of them accepted on the facebook event invitation) for organizing a stuff drive. I really can’t put words on a blog to explain how happy it makes me, especially coming home after long days and feeling like Christmas seeing my friends loving me this much.

When I hung up my Michael Jordan poster (the day after we did a Michael Jordan read-aloud) my kids were brainstorming who the mystery sender was. Rakiesha came up with the idea that “maybe we have an angel.”

I don’t even know what else to say, just that I’m happy. And that this is impressive considering I cried in front of my children today.

It was decided today, by me, that my kids aren’t going to have a halloween party. They’re allowed to dress down, but i’m going to require them to dress in uniform. We’re going to do REALLY boring work while everyone else has a halloween party.

Why, I hear you asking. Why is Ms. D such a horrible teacher? Because I have given them 10 minutes of party time every day to earn and at one point during the past month, they were at -27 minutes. So I’m just at the point where this motivation won’t work, I’ll move on. I’m trying to find things that inspire one or two kids in hopes that it’ll pick up, but the fact of the matter is that when I could down to 1 and they’re still talking or not doing their work, I start the timer to take away party minutes and they’ve lost at least 10 every day.

This makes me feel like a loser as well as them. Except I don’t think they really realize what’s going on or what they’re missing out on. part of that is because they’re 10, but part of it is because they think they can get through life by just…I don’t know. It’s not that they aren’t quiet and listen to me when I ask, it’s that it takes them 4 minutes to get quiet. When I give them personal responsibility, they can’t manage to do anything. I was told at institute that I needed to give kids this age a lot of responsibility and that’d make them more invested, but they more I try to give them, the less I get in return. ugh blah blarg today was just frustrating.

In other news, my friends magically are sending me a MILLION things in the mail. It’s overwhelming and I love it and them so much, but now I’m at the point where I’ll just hoard it all. I love reading children’s books, I”ll just save them for when everyone is under control.

And maybe that’ll be after our non-halloween unparty.

It was Wednesday when I realized I had been logged off the teach.for.us website, and that I couldn’t remember my password or log-in name. It is now Friday night at midnight, and I just realized that my username is just my… real name. Anyway, all I wanted to say was that this week was much much better.

I’m not sure if that’s actually true, but it’s how i’m feeling. I took Tuesday off (I was…sick…) because I needed a day to not think (so much) about teaching. I had spent the entire weekend worrying/freaking out, so it was needed in order for me to stay sane and healthy. I actually started feeling really sick Monday, and i’m relatively sure I…worried myself to that point. It was kind of awful, and I’ve only done that a few times before.

Anyway, for those of you that are reading this and saying oh god megh is dying, don’t worry. I really honestly have the same spunk I always have, it’s just slightly tempered by the fact that I’m staring at this enormous challenge. I’m trying to set in stone some really good ideas (I think they’re good), and I feel like once I get a phenomenally specific schedule under my kid’s feet, things might turn around.

I’m trying to achieve some zen-like state wherein I can sit and feel like everything is going to be ok. Everything includes more than just teaching, even though life feels 99.8% like teaching is all I do.

So, to conclude (so that I can go to sleep…) I think i feel a lot better. I’m not positive, but I ended this week in such a better state than last week, and I think that says something. I tell my kids to do things little bits at a time, I can’t expect any more (or less) from myself. Right?

Today in class, I reminded (with a bright poster) the class of our big goal of 1 tier of improvement on the benchmark exam in april, along with 10% improvement on our class average every unit test. I then showed them that we made 15% progress with our last test. We clapped for each other and then I got really excited and I said, “guess what guys?! you get ANOTHER CHANCE to improve by 10%!” And they all said, “WHEN!?” and I said “THIS FRIDAY!!!” I was implying they had another math test on Friday.

They all cheered.

In a much more un-password protected post, it’s been my classes’ goal since our first math unit test to improve 10% pts every unit. Between unit 1 and unit 2 we improved from 30% to 37% average mastery.

Between unit 2 and unit 3, I hear you asking?
FIFTEEN PERCENT!!!!!!

I was so happy I made a chart to track our growth.
What’s up, 52% average mastery. I graded my first legitimate B effort on a test in math. Ever.

Something to smile about, through tears, I guess.

Well, I officially recognized my problem- I have behavior management issues. It’s not that I didn’t realize this was my issue the whole time. Actually, yesterday was a self-inflicted day of horror, and it ended up being the worst day of the year. I can’t really explain my thinking except that I started the day fine and then by 10:30 I said “well I’ll let them go out with a bang and start the second 9 weeks new.” Maybe it’d help for me to explain…

Friday was many things, not the least of which was homecoming. Several of them were in the parade, and they got to wear their jersey. BIG deal for a school full of 8-11 year olds who only wear normal clothes 9 times the whole year. Needless to say, this caused a lot of angst and upheaval. In addition, it was Friday, it was cold out (the first day I’ve actually felt like it was fall), and it was the last day of the quarter. These things compounded into my kids being totally unable to…do anything.

Math lesson started at 10:30, and as they came back in the room I gave them instructions of what to do for the first 5 minutes. I also began keeping tally marks of every time I had to repeat myself, ask a student to do something/stop doing something, or stop to wait for quiet. By the end of math at 11:45, I had 92. By the end of the day (with a 1/2 an hour break for lunch and a 40 minute break for special) I had 172.

I was NOT a happy camper, and because I was also tired and it was homecoming and fall and all the other excuses, I let myself get upset. I intercepted a note at one point from Tristen (my angel) to Demarian (see: boy with angel on one shoulder and devil on the other) that said:

Demarian, if you get your side to be quiet I’ll get my side to be quiet so Ms. D won’t be mad anymore.

This did not work, exactly, but it did cheer me up immensely to know that there were….4 out of 18 kids who felt like I was worth something. By the end of the day I had built in my mind my new defense system, which is what I’m calling my behavior management plan. the stickers still work fine, the tickets still work fine, but what had happened was the kids just kept giving up their opportunities to earn them! Not only was this frustrating to them, but to me it felt like why should I even bother with incentives that will never come to fruition?

Anyway, I know this is an incredibly blah post, but what I mean to say is that Friday is over and even by Friday night I felt better simply because I knew what I wanted to do on Monday. I think first year teaching is just falling down over and over again while you’re walking down a busy street in front of a lot of people that you know. For this reason, I think that a lot of teachers who end up doing well have to have thick skin and a big heart. You can’t shut yourself off from the students and just…go into auto-pilot. You still have to be receptive to everything they do, but you have to figure out a way to stop falling down. I guess that’s what I’m doing?

Even on my absolute most miserable days (such as today), i come home feeling motivated. I am unsure how this happens, but it still amazes me and propels me forward.

I am so happy to be a teacher, because this job constantly gives me room to test myself and prove it to myself that I can (or eventually will) be successful at this job.

I am waiting for that day, but until I can sit back and say “holy crap, things are clicking,” I will take comfort and a little bit of excitement in the fact that I haven’t given up, and I don’t even feel like I should. Everything that goes wrong only gives me more ideas.

Yesterday I was going to write something that at the time felt insightful, but today i feel it suits me better just to say that things are going well. I’m not sure if I…didn’t teach anything at all this week, or if I’m just getting used to the idea of what it is to be a teacher. I am spending (gasp) less time doing roughly the same amount of planning, and this time I even did it while away from home! It felt good to go somewhere completely different and catch a glimpse of what my friends are doing, those who aren’t in TFA. Turns out their lives look incredibly easy in comparison to mine, but maybe that’s just me trying to build myself up.

I remember what I was going to say now! On Wednesday during my math lesson my principal walked in and handed me an observation schedule. “This is what you’ll be doing tomorrow,” she told me, and walked out. My kids were just as surprised to hear that I was going to be gone twice in one week as i was. She apparently wanted all the first year teachers to observe others and gain…something from it. I don’t doubt that observations are a good idea, but the less than 24 hours notice caught me off guard. I wrote my sub plan (which consisted of them taking two tests and going to recess) and the next morning arrived to school relatively empty handed. I knew I wouldn’t need to be lugging around everything since I was just observing.

While running off copies around 7:15am , however, my principal came up to me and told me she had scheduled 3 of my observations during planning periods, so she just went ahead and cancelled, thus leaving me in charge of my classroom and completely material-less. She also felt that was an appropriate time to tell me the tests had not been brought to school yet. So maybe my false sense of security comes from the fact that on Thursday, I had a great lesson in “winging it,” and my kids ended up not being bad.

In other news, another one of my students moved today. This brings the total number of students I have to 17. Also, Ashleigh hasn’t been in class for 3 days and rumor is “her mama finally found a house in little rock.” That would bring my total down to 16. Not only is that number manageable, but it’s 4 fewer than any other 5th grade teacher. Seriously, I feel guilty, but let’s recap as to where my students went:
-2 never showed up
-1 went back to ALE a day after he returned to school
-2 came and went
-2 switched classrooms.

That is a total of 7 students, and/or 1/3 of a normal classroom at my school, who have in some way shape or form left my room. I am destined to not teach? Or perhaps just to not teach large numbers…

But seriously, I feel…good. Grades are due next week and I think it will ALMOST not be too stressful to get those turned in. I have really solid ideas of how I want to run behavior (iBehave 2.0) management, mostly involving tickets, stickers, and eating with me. I am also going into my second 4-day week in a row, which also helps.

And most importantly, high school musical 3 comes out soon!

For both myself and my relatively constant fear of sucking at teaching, and for myself and every other Cubs fan.

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
-R.W.E.