Megalopolis

Sophomore year of college, when I first discovered Teach for America, I also discovered Taylor Mali. He came to my school and, preaching of creating an army of teachers, he performed the following poem, thereby completely winning me over:

Undivided Attention

A grand piano wrapped in quilted pads by movers,
tied up with canvas straps - like classical music’s
birthday gift to the insane -
is gently nudged without its legs
out an eighth-floor window on 62nd street.

It dangles in April air from the neck of the movers’ crane,
Chopin-shiny black lacquer squares
and dirty white crisscross patterns hanging like the second-to-last
note of a concerto played on the edge of the seat,
the edge of tears, the edge of eight stories up going over, and
I’m trying to teach math in the building across the street.

Who can teach when there are such lessons to be learned?
All the greatest common factors are delivered by
long-necked cranes and flatbed trucks
or come through everything, even air.
Like snow.

See, snow falls for the first time every year, and every year
my students rush to the window
as if snow were more interesting than math,
which, of course, it is.

So please.

Let me teach like a Steinway,
spinning slowly in April air,
so almost-falling, so hinderingly
dangling from the neck of the movers’ crane.
So on the edge of losing everything.

Let me teach like the first snow, falling.

I found the following letter..

“Ms D, I have been disrupting the class in have been talking all day. i will be gooder then i was Bab This everning and I will not talk or disrupting the class and disrupting other student or talking about lilcegret (Lekedric) head.  I am going to chrie to be gooder then today all this week and i am solre about this supmester. even badter which i know i can not do which I am going to chrie to do which I know i can not do hhhh!!! I am going to chrie to be good all year. from: Lamarcus.

This boy breaks my heart. He needs needs needs love, and maybe if he got that he wouldn’t need to be medicated (not that he takes it anyway.) After writing me this letter, he was gone the rest of hte week. he’s missed at least 20 days of school this year. I talked to my principal about the fact that i should really retain him and her response was “yes but…we’ve had him 2 years, and i don’t want him anymore.” I asked her how we would really get around his 4 F’s and she said “try hard to make them D’s…”

The thing is, his behavior has improved astronomically this year (he’s only been written up….5 times? I GREATLY favor him in class, this causes problems, but the kid is just a disaster).  My principal knows this, his aunt (the only person in his family I can get a hold of, even though he doesn’t live with her…) and I honestly think if i can just….get in his head and get him to realize he’s going to make it. He can make it. I’d happily retain him and have him in my class again (illegal most places, but….this is Arkansas. It happens.) I’m not sure I can convince my principal, but we’ll see what his benchmark scores are. I showed him his report card and he started crying and I asked him what he thought about if he had to get held back and he told me that he’d rather stay with me than go to middle school. He just really needs so much that I cannot provide, but I’m his TEACHER. Can’t I at least get a do-over with him?
All this aside, spring break was MAGICAL, my nasa experiment was a great success (seriously, my kids still don’t know they weren’t working for NASA and as far as i’m concerned, they’ll never know.) I have 8 weeks left of teaching, 2 before the benchmark test. Technically, the benchmark takes a week, so I only have 7 weeks. Some of those weeks aren’t even full weeks. I’m basically done.

I feel very goal oriented right now in a good way, even though I’ve done no work for the past week. This is probably why I have not started to panic. Today, instead of working, I cleaned my room and the office. Once I dive back in, there’s no resurfacing until May 22.

Wish me luck that I can hold my breath.

Apparently complaining leads to God realizing i need some goodness in my life and granting it. Here are the REAL positives of my life, as of now:

1. 70 PERCENT MASTERY ON OUR UNIT TEN MATH TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! My kids were literally screaming with happiness. James started crying because he got a 68 and, for the first time, his score being lower than the class average really sank in. This is James of the single digit scores, James of the 20% and 3 days of tutoring, James and the giant scary math test James. And i sat there and I said James, last time I checked the only score you should care about is YOURS. And i built him up and up and up and up and the best part was I had 3 little boys trying to make him feel better too. He’s so cute. I LOVE that my kids are actually invested.

2. My parents church choir gave me some wal-mart gift cards, which i turned into “hey class, remember how we have guardian angels? well we got gifts and is is thank you note time!” Here’s what we’ve got…

• Dear church Choir, We are very thankful for yall for getting us these thing because if it wasnt for you we wouldnt not have anything to write with.
• Dear Church Choir, Our class loves the stuff! The pencil sharperner is great becuase we don’t hve one because her reading class broke! PS We really <3 the stuff and her reading class is really bad!!
• Dear Church Choir, Thank you for the money for the chase. (what?)
• Dear Church Choir, Thank for give us our pen package. We are very thankful your happy. Ms Dilks is one of the best teacher a person could have. See you. have a great time. ps ms dilks is going to marry joe.

3. They weren’t awful. 2 days in a row of not awful children = 2 days in a row of me smiling and breathing a little deeper.

I’m not sure what I’ve been waiting for; a turn around, a hilarious moment, or a glimmer of hope to poignantly jot down and have you all read and go “oh good, i’m glad things are looking up.”

Unfortunately, I think the only optimistic things to be said currently are as follows, all in one thought to make them appear more worthwhile:

Spring break is in two weeks its been really nice out i saw a good movie my car got air in the tires i’m feeling like i will write people up as much as ari gold fires people in entourage baseball starts in less than a month i’ve been sleeping more my cough is going away  did i mention spring break is in two weeks i found my necklace and i can think about this summer and not have it feel AGES away.

Yes, I know, none of these things are about students. Yes, I’m aware that “February and March are always the hardest, doesn’t matter how long you’ve been teaching, blah blah spring fever blah blah” give me a break. Things suck for every first year at this point because it is right around now when we all sit down to mope and come to a glaring realization that had, until this point, only been a thought to “push through.” We’re really just not very good. No “yet.” No “I’m still learning.” This is the point where we, the quickly trained, highly exhausted, weary few look at each other and say, “holy crap if i don’t get spring break soon i am never doing this again,” only to realize that we still have another year left.

This happens to everyone. I don’t sulk and think that it’s particular to my situation. Yes I cry so hard my nose bleeds at times (ok, only once, but still, badass in a pathetic sense). Yes, I bake really unhealthy amounts of really unhealthy food. I still, for the most part, wake up every morning firmly believing my kids will choose today, Monday (or Tuesday or whatever day) to start doing everything they’re supposed to, take life seriously; in essence, they’ll stop being eleven and start being amazing. I recognize the unlikelihood of this, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming and preparing for the day when they come in, sit down, and do their work. I think its the fact that I still see this nirvana as a possibility that leaves me so deflated at the end of  the day, like a souffle or a balloon or my car tires.
Remeber though, all those positives things I listed? Now those actually mean something to me. Now I understand that stupid mug that says “a teacher’s favorite months: june, july, august” only I would change it to say “any months but february and march. and the last part of january. hopefully not april and may.” I survive with the positives in my life and they sustain me just enough to believe that things will improve.
And if I’ve believed in the Chicago Cubs for this long, I have to believe in my classroom. Maybe we’ll rally and prove to be better than my baseball team, the one that crashes at the end of the season and loses 11 of the last 19 games. Maybe we’ll be like all those other teams that actually pick it up, get in via the wild card slot, come from behind, battle it out in seven game series, and take home a ring. Maybe.

There’s the hope I’m talking about. it’s going to pay off. I know it will. I just have to be patient. Luckily, I’m a Cubs fan. that part comes easy…