Megalopolis

Well the votes are in, and the song “It Won’t Be Like This For Long” by Darius Rucker was recently voted (by Caitlin and myself) as the #1 most cried-to song of the 2008-2009 academic year. What’s funny if not a little awkward is that in both our minds, this song is about teaching. Listening to the words now, I hear these verses about… what’s this, his daughter?…and I’m just confused. I get angry, in that I do not remember hearing these words last year!  I remember hearing a consoling message about how hard things can be and how you feel like things are impossible and just watching her it breaks it his heart because he already knows it won’t be like this for long and oh god i’m such a horrible teacher and let’s just listen to this song in the dark, curled into the fetal position on a bean bag chair next to a mound of ungraded uneccessary busy work in an effort to delay the inevitable failures that will occur in anything real and valuable I could try and do with my time.

This song WAS my last year of teaching.

But I realized something, listening again to the song that still gets radio play this year, as well as frequently on itunes playlists such as “stop looking for distractions and LP already!” This song, this schmaltzy if not totally gloriously sad country song, is about THIS year too! Only now, teaching at LUES is almost over (well…some days it feels like almost, some days I wish it was almost), and really, truly, Hootie McBlowfish, it WON’T be like this for long. Holy crap, it’s the shapeshifting song of the century!

How on earth did Hootie manage it? How did he write a song that works for both first and second year emotions? Well, I imagine part of it comes from being himself. With a name like Hootie, the road could not always have been smooth. Alright, I kid, I kid, but I think it might just be possible that Hootie needed to express something just like I try to every once and a while through these vapidly sarcastic posts. Maybe Hootie had two really rough years and just wanted to write a song about it, too.

Or it could be that I’m still not listening to the words, the song is just about his daughter, and I’m selfish. Either way, it’s a great song.

I have not written in a while. I think this is because I do not…need this as much? Last year this blog served as an empty room into which I could step and then yell as loudly as possible about all the things that scared me or made me angry or confused me. This year is different. I don’t need to yell, and that’s AWESOME.

I am exhausted by the end of every day, but as opposed to last year when it was out of frustration and confusion, I am exhausted out of…effort this year? I overexert myself with teambuilding cheers and energetic lessons, and yet I am honestly rarely frustrated or confused at hte end of the day. Last year I found myself sitting in my room or in the dark on on a bean bag chair staring blankly into space asking “what the HELL just happened?” This change from total cluelessness to acceptance and…some semblance of confidence. It’s a HUGE change, but I love it.

I love my kids, I love teaching, I love progress, and I love feeling ike I’m not a failure.

All this being said, it just means I have a lot less to write about. I could quote how hilarious and wonderful my kids are, and sure, I’ve got the usual amount of 11 year old girl drama, but those seem relatively repetitive in the face of last years anger.

I’m just…happy with how this year is going. I can and soon will be doing more, and maybe once I’m truly overexerting myself I’ll have more to write about. That or I’ll go into stage 2 hypertension and I’ll just blog from the hospital…(my BP now is averaging 145/95. I call that fifth grade teacher BP.)

As soon as something catastrophic or magnificent happens, you’ll be the first to know, internet audience. Until then, no news is good news

Turns out, I am susceptible to illness. This is not a surprise. This is not news. It is, however, incredibly pathetic that the fact reared its ugly head so early in the school year (read: not even 2 weeks). Yes, my friends, I got swine flu. No worries, I survived, though quarantine was NOT my favorite time. I am easing myself off of two naps a day (though I’m about to go take a nap right now), and it’s definitely still somewhat in my system, but the doctor’s note I had to get in order to gain re-entry to my school says that I am no longer contagious. And I like to think of myself as a missionary, bringing awareness of swine flu to those in the greater LV area who perhaps had not heard of it beforehand. Luckily, the pamphlets we were subsequently required to send home provided some good reading materials.

I am mountains behind in feeling prepared after a week of not being coherent enough to care, and it’s difficult to get back into the groove. However, I’m doing my best and the fact that my kids are happier and more willing to try new things (or anything, really) makes the job easier. I am creating more involved, partner-reliant lessons since I know these kids won’t beat each other up as much. I am reading them higher level texts.  I am testing them more, and I hope it pays off. It’s so hard to tell this early in the year when all i want are results and all i have is high expectations.

The Delta is being harvested, slowly. The corn is gone, burnt down, and the beans are leafless and being whisked away in the dead of night. Soon the cotton will be more beautiful than ever and I’ll find myself once again stopped on the side of the road, pressing my face into squares of white, delaying the inevitable grading and lesson planning and whatnot to simply enjoy the beauty of the earth. You can do that down here, you know.

“When I had my first date, I was very excited. I thought that I was never going to get a girlfriend. But God sent me that very beautiful girl. She was smart, nice, and trustworthy. I know that I can trust her in my entire life. She is the girl of my dreams. She is the perfect match from Heaven. I really do like her very much. So do my family and my cousins. She is the girl that completes my heart, and my love.” - Dallas.

I am really excited to work with these kids. Dallas, by the way, cried twice this week.

Driving home from watching baseball in Greenville, I realized something. Sickening that I think in metaphors, but always the English major, I stared at my beautiful lake and came to a calming realization. My realization was that TFA teaches us to be oxbow lakes. I know, I know, cue sappy music and swelling tears in my eyes, but I’m serious. We all start out as this huge force, pushed forward and propelled by the same movement, and slowly throughout our first year we get pulled farther away from the group by the individual forces of our classroom. By the time we begin our second year, we’re practically on our own, cut off from that which had previously sustained us, but still (ideally) a thriving body of water. I am, in a sense, the lake on which I live. An successful, gorgeous, independent body of water, standing on my own. I am Lake Chicot.

From this I assume you can infer that I survived my first day of school. Seventeen kids today, eighteen total until new kids start trickling in, will be my daily load. I have two children who, when I asked my mentor teacher for advice on how to handle them, ellicit the response “oh lord honey, just pray…” I have several children who so far exceed my expectations. I have white kids, black kids, and hispanic kids. They (sometimes) do what they’re told, and they still possess that eagerness that’s required to sustain a beginning teacher in times of self-doubt. They still have their shoes on, their belts tight, and their shirts tucked in.

Somehow I don’t remember any of this happening last year….

It’s just different, starting second year. Even if its false bravado, there’s a relaxing feeling around everything I do, and I think it comes from the fact that this year I realize nothing is insurmountable. I didn’t quite….surmount my obstacles last year, but this year? I get to try again. No wonder people teach forever! Where else do you get so many chances to just….start over?!

It’s the beginning of the season and we made some big trades during the offseason. We trained hard and now that we look good on paper, it’s time to prove ourselves. For those of you who harken back to my September/October posts, where the only things I talked about were the Cubs inevitable World Series victory and my classes inevitable success, shut up. It’s the beginning of a new season.

Operation Badass begins tomorrow. Wish me luck.

On Wednesday night, I will write a real entry. For now, forgive me please, as I continue to do all that I neglected over the summer.

In the words of our former fearless leader, “Bring it on.”

I forgot how fun it is to plan. I’m not even joking, I wish I could set aside housing for a while and dig into my LTP. My quest to become a phenomenal literacy teacher is slowwwwwwllyyyyyyyyyy taking shape as I work on my reading/writing LTP, but it is SLOW going in that my life is totally dominated by this housing search. As it turns out, finding housing for the new corps is a full-time job. Good thing i’m getting paid. (ha.)

I have had so much fun in the Delta in the past few weeks. It’s an amazing place, and driving around looking at houses I can’t help but think “I could live here” or “my bakery would look nice right next to the TFA office…” It’s a dangerous habit, to daydream about settling down. Just until my loans are paid off, I tell myself somedays. Just until I finish my masters, I say on other days. Either way, I can feel the bottoms of my feet sprouting roots, it’s just a matter of where I decide to dig in. Enough metaphor for ya?

I found a house in Indianola I want to buy. I can’t buy it for a myriad of reasons not the least of which is that i’m about to begin my second year of teaching, but oh my god, if i was EVER to imagine the most perfect house in the delta EVER, and if i was ever to imagine myself stripping and repainting a home, and if i was ever to imagine myself furnishing and living in said home, it would be this one. I’m in love with this home. Wish me luck that it’s there in a year, and then, if you ever want to see me again, you’ll probably have to come to Mississippi.

Who knew that I’d be saying that?

I cannot wait to begin my second year of teaching. I am so excited about seemingly inevitable prospect of me being a better teacher, it motivates me at every second of the day. However, I just need all the new CMs to GET HERE!!!!!! so they can move in, buy their mattresses, have 900000 potlucks, and I can refocus on my student babies.

I am so excited. My life is overwhelmingly positive, and I do mean overwhelming. I go to bed with a smile on my face almost every night. Now how often does that happen?

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